It鈥檚 7:30 a.m. on a school day. Two parents are racing to get their three young children dressed, fed, packed for the day, into coats and out the door when 6-year-old Hallel runs downstairs, crying.
Ari, Hallel鈥檚 father, is the first to ask 鈥淲hat鈥檚 wrong?鈥
The answer launched a journey these parents never envisioned, described by words they鈥檇 not heard and questions they never thought they鈥檇 ask. (We鈥檙e using only first names for the family members in this story due to Hallel鈥檚 age.)
The journey started with a 鈥渓et鈥檚 pretend鈥 game. Hallel鈥檚 little sister Ya鈥檃ra wanted to play 鈥減arents.鈥 Ya鈥檃ra decides that she鈥檒l be the mommy, and Hallel will be the daddy. Hallel protests. Ya鈥檃ra insists: Hallel is a boy, and therefore must play the daddy.
鈥淏ut that doesn鈥檛 feel right,鈥 Hallel said to Ari, between tears, 鈥渃ause I鈥檓 a boy-girl.鈥
Shira, Hallel鈥檚 mother, said she copes well in a crisis. In that moment, she packaged the news away for later.
鈥淚 was like, 鈥榃ell, we love you whoever you are, give me a hug,鈥欌 Shira remembered telling Hallel.
For Ari, 鈥渋t felt a little bit like getting up to the top of a roller coaster, like, OK, now it鈥檚 going to begin. I don鈥檛 know exactly what鈥檚 going to happen next, but what I do know for sure is that this is happening.鈥
To clarify, Ari and Shira had known for some time that Hallel was not a traditional boy. If they bought action figures, Hallel preferred female characters. Hallel would watch fairy movies one day and draw dresses, then dress and act more like what they expected from a boy the next.
鈥淔or us that wasn鈥檛 a problem,鈥 Ari said. 鈥淭here鈥檚 lots of ways to be a boy and lots of ways to be a girl. But at the back of our mind it was confusing.鈥
When Hallel made the boy-girl announcement, Shira said the family finally had an explanation that made sense. But she wondered, 鈥淚s that an option?鈥
Both parents had read about people who are transgender, but they were not familiar with the term nonbinary, which refers to people who don鈥檛 see themselves as strictly male or female or people who move between genders. Hallel鈥檚 self-described status as a boy-girl seemed like it might resolve years of confusion.
鈥淚t felt really right,鈥 said Ari. And now, three years later, 鈥渋t still feels really right.鈥
But Hallel鈥檚 identity has triggered new worries. They surfaced one night while Shira and Hallel cuddled at bedtime. (Shira agreed to record family conversations over a period of time for this story.)
鈥淗ow did you feel when you first realized that I was a boy-girl?鈥 asked Hallel, now age 9.
Shira paused, then answered slowly: 鈥淎bba [the Hebrew word for Daddy] and I knew for a very long time before you said anything that something was a little bit different about your gender. So we were not going to force you to fit in a certain box. But I think when we first found out, we were nervous because we want things to be easy for you.鈥
Shira has a version of that question for Hallel.
鈥淐an you tell me what it feels like to be a boy-girl?鈥 she asked.
鈥淭hat鈥檚 hard,鈥 Hallel said. 鈥淚 just feel like myself, and that鈥檚 it. I don鈥檛 feel that different from anybody else.鈥
Pronouns and Patience
Hallel asked Shira and Ari to stop using 鈥渉e鈥 and start calling Hallel 鈥渢hey鈥 about a month after the boy-girl declaration.
Little sister Ya鈥檃ra has had a hard time using 鈥渢hey,鈥 as have Hallel鈥檚 grandparents, some friends and teachers at Hallel鈥檚 school.
Ari, who studies linguistics, said people frequently struggle to change the pronouns they use because those words are deeply embedded in our brains; we repeat them so much more often than nouns or verbs, for example.
鈥淲e say 鈥榟e鈥 or 鈥榮he鈥 or 鈥榯hey鈥 or 鈥榠t鈥 in almost every single sentence,鈥 Ari told Hallel one morning, 鈥渟o we have a lot of practice using a pronoun in one way, kind of like walking. Imagine if you had to walk in a new way, it would probably take some time, right?鈥
鈥淟ike walking backwards?鈥 Hallel asked.
鈥淭hat鈥檚 right,鈥 said Ari.
Ari tries to be patient with himself and others who coded Hallel as a boy from birth and subconsciously default to 鈥渉e鈥 now when speaking about Hallel.
鈥淗owever much we might want to, even when we have the intention to do something, we have the underlying linguistic machinery that is actually making the language happen,鈥 Ari said.
Hallel has a suggestion for grandparents and others: 鈥淩efer to me as a group of people.鈥
鈥淒o you remember what Grandma said to you, the way that she helps to remind herself?鈥 Shira asked Hallel. 鈥淪he thinks of God. She feels like God is very universal and not a he or she, but more a they. And so she thinks of God when she refers to you.鈥
I just feel like myself, and that鈥檚 it. I don鈥檛 feel that different from anybody else.
Hallel
With excitement, Shira showed Hallel a聽聽about Merriam-Webster naming 鈥渢hey鈥 the dictionary company鈥檚 word of the year.
鈥淲ow, wow,鈥 Hallel said in between mouthfuls of waffles.
鈥淲hy wow?鈥 Shira wanted to know.
鈥淚t鈥檚 just really new that something like that鈥檚 happening,鈥 Hallel said.
New still, yes, but聽聽to many members of Generation Z and millennials, who say they know someone who uses gender-neutral pronouns.
鈥淲ow,鈥 Hallel said again. 鈥淢aybe, like, next year, 鈥榯hey鈥 will be in the dictionary.鈥
鈥淚 think it is in the dictionary already,鈥 Shira told them.
鈥淎lready?鈥 said a wide-eyed Hallel, their voice trailing off.
Coded Clothing
Hallel likes colorful clothes, especially those with pictures of animals.
Ari estimated Hallel wears dresses about a third of the time, clothes that might be seen as boyish聽about a third of the time and clothes that don鈥檛 read as either gender for the remainder. Hallel鈥檚 curly blond hair flows to about midneck.
鈥淲hen people first see me they think I鈥檓 a girl,鈥 Hallel said.
Sometimes Hallel or one of their parents will correct people who make the wrong assumption, but not all the time. Explaining boy-girl, nonbinary or 鈥渢hey鈥 to everyone who calls Hallel 鈥渟he鈥 in the grocery store checkout line or on the street or at a public event would be exhausting.
鈥淚 don鈥檛 blame them. It鈥檚 new,鈥 Hallel said. 鈥淭he first time, I鈥檒l let it slide.鈥
Dropping Hallel at school in a dress was hard for Ari, initially.
鈥淭here was an internal squeamishness,鈥 Ari said. 鈥淚 realized it鈥檚 just because it was different and something I wasn鈥檛 used to.鈥
Watching Hallel has changed that.
鈥淭hey have taken such pride in who they are and in telling people,鈥 Ari said. 鈥淎nd Hallel鈥檚 friends have completely embraced Hallel. I鈥檓 very grateful to their families for not pulling them back because this is something new or different.鈥
Bathroom Schedule
Hallel said they鈥檝e been told 鈥渁bout 50 times,鈥 mostly by kids at school, that they鈥檙e in the wrong bathroom.
They have a system for deciding which bathroom to use.
鈥淥n Mondays, Thursdays and Fridays, I go into the boys鈥 or men鈥檚 bathroom. On Tuesday, Wednesday and Saturday, I go into the women鈥檚 bathroom. And on Sunday, I just go to whatever bathroom鈥檚 to my right,鈥 Hallel said.
Sometimes Hallel鈥檚 parents intervene. Hallel can use the bathroom of their choice in聽. But聽.
鈥淩emember when we were in the airport in Hawaii, and I said, 鈥楬allel, you鈥檙e wearing a dress. I don鈥檛 think you should be going into the men鈥檚 room even though there鈥檚 no line.鈥 Remember that?鈥 Shira asked.
鈥淲ell, I really had to go,鈥 Hallel said.
鈥淚 know,鈥 said Shira, 鈥渂ut I was just nervous that you would not be protected in the bathroom.鈥
鈥淏ut I thought all those questions became laws,鈥 said Hallel. The family campaigned for the 2018 ballot Question 3 in Massachusetts, which passed, confirming Hallel鈥檚 right to use a bathroom aligned with their gender identity.
鈥淲e know that you鈥檙e protected in Massachusetts, but we have to do our research to understand what the protection is in other states,鈥 Shira explained.
鈥淲ell, everyone in Hawaii is nice,鈥 Hallel said.
Hawaii is among聽聽with laws that specifically protect transgender people in public accommodations.
鈥楴ow Is Now鈥
In addition to legal concerns, big questions remain for Hallel and their parents.
In a few years, Hallel will begin preparing for a coming-of-age ceremony in the Jewish faith, using Hebrew, a language that doesn鈥檛 have a gender-neutral pronoun. Hallel plans what they are calling a 鈥渂art mitzvah,鈥 combining a boy鈥檚 bar mitzvah and a girl鈥檚 bat mitzvah.
Hallel will be defining a new place for themself within Judaism as they approach puberty, a time when testosterone will deepen Hallel鈥檚 voice and make irreversible changes in the bone structure of Hallel鈥檚 face and other areas of the body.
鈥淲e鈥檝e started to talk with Hallel a little bit,鈥 Ari said. 鈥淗allel very much understands that there are male bodies and female bodies, and on the basis of this conversation Hallel says they feel comfortable with having a male body. So that鈥檚 where we are right now.鈥
I鈥檓 personally very hopeful that Hallel will live in a world where they can be who they want to be.
Ari
Ari and Shira are getting some help for Hallel through a聽聽at Jewish Big Brothers Big Sisters for LGBTQ+ youth. Within the family, by the way, Hallel is a 鈥渂rister鈥 to two younger sisters, merging 鈥渂rother鈥 and 鈥渟ister.鈥
Shira looks forward to guidance from someone who can help her understand life as a nonbinary teenager and adult.
鈥淚 am very worried about what Hallel鈥檚 future will look like,鈥 she said. 鈥淢y kid affirmed who they are, and 鈥 I decided to accept them. But what鈥檚 that going to look like when Hallel is 11, 12, 13, in adolescence? I hope it鈥檚 gonna be wonderful. I don鈥檛 know, though.鈥
Ari said he has a lot of confidence that Hallel will be OK, based, in part, on the culture he sees among the college students he teaches.
鈥淢y students are very comfortable with the idea that people don鈥檛 have just male and female genders, and I think that says a lot for our future,鈥 Ari said. 鈥淚鈥檓 personally very hopeful that Hallel will live in a world where they can be who they want to be.鈥
Shira has heard people ask: 鈥淲hy are all these kids now being trans? Or why are all these kids now being nonbinary?鈥
鈥淲ith Hallel, this is who they envisioned themselves to be, and we just didn鈥檛 put hurdles in front of them,鈥 she said. 鈥淭hat may be the case for more kids who are trans and nonbinary; their parents are just listening to them.鈥
Hallel has lots of projects underway with Legos, a podcast, baking and a comic book series they sometimes imagine will lead to fame and fortune. But they don鈥檛 spend much time thinking about the future.
鈥淚鈥檒l know it when I live it,鈥 Hallel said. 鈥淚 don鈥檛 really want to think about that stuff because now is now.鈥
This story is part of a partnership that includes聽,听聽and KHN.